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Secrets of Vydar

Posted May 15th, 2012 at 02:34 PM by Sylvano the Wasabus
I had long hoped to interview the Valkyrie General Vydar, and so it was with great excitement that I prepared for my meeting with him. It had been several years in the making- or should I say waiting, as it is notoriously difficult to get to meet with any of the old greats.

I was shown into a small anteroom and that’s when I got the first inkling that something was awry. Would Great Vydar, he of glorious giant wings, meet me in a little sitting room? There were two chairs- both the same size- that couldn’t be right, could it? And between the chairs a little table with a pitcher of water and Styrofoam cups. Surely Vydar didn’t drink out of Styrofoam....

My suspicions were confirmed when a small oriental gentlemen in a very crisp dark suit came in and greeted me politely. No, I would not be meeting with General Vydar today. He had been called away by unforeseen important business. But Mr. Chen had been authorized to meet with me in Vydar’s absence.

The word crestfallen falls far short. I did not know the duties or position of Mr. Chen but I felt like I had been slated to meet the Queen of England and ended up in the bushes with her gardener. (but I didn’t mean for that to sound inappropriate)

Mr. Chen was most pleasant but quiet. He answered my inquiries politely with official statements and jargon. Instead of taking notes, I drew many swirly swirls on my pad in pencil.

The interview did not last very long, finishing around noon. On impulse- I don’t know why in retrospect- I asked Mr. Chen out to lunch. The request surprised him but I believe he was too polite to decline. Or maybe he just really wanted to escape the stuffy embassy officialdom of Vydar’s venomous villa.

Because I was acting on impulse and had nothing planned, I resorted to my default lunch setting- a cozy dive I frequented called McDirk’s cave. Brave Mr. Chen did not hesitate as we descended the dark stairs but I did notice that his eyebrows were raised...

Some people understand beer and some do not. McDirk’s understands it. Beer is a force of nature, something best left untampered. Just watch the bubbles, smell the smell, taste the foam, sip. Repeat. Nothing else really matters.

I do believe that Mr. Chen had suffered an absence of good beer at some point in his life. He was always dignified and well presented, but his tongue loosened with each emptied stein.

I was no longer taking notes but at some point had begun to laugh uproariously. Mr Chen seemed to take delight in making me laugh even more. Although I’m a bit hung over today, I have tried to put down some of the things he told me....

“It is widely believed that the forces of Vydar were summoned near the moment of their impending death on a glorious battlefield”
(Mr. Chen himself chuckled at this point- or was he trying to politely camouflage a burp?)

“You are familiar with Dund? Yes, well he was actually rescued from a sort of dog pound. He was infested with parasites and was slated to be euthanized, so I guess in his case he was summoned just before death. It took Vydar months to get the parasites out of the carpets...”

“The gorllinators” (he began to laugh himself) “they mean well, I suppose, but they get excited so easily. We pulled them straight out of a grocery store riot. They’d gone in by accident, gotten excited because of the bananas and ended up having a ferocious food fight. One of them was completely coated with raspberry jam.”

“James Murpy” (Mr. Chen shook his head sadly) “a tough man but so conflicted. Did you know he abuses himself? (Mr. Chen nodded his head for emphasis) “Whips himself. Cries in the night like a little baby. That man has been through something awful I reckon.” (I think Mr. Chen was trying to sound a little wild west for a moment- the beer was really getting to him)

“Vydar bought the Iron Golem at a scrap metal sale. The thing had been created to work in the scrap yard but it kept malfunctioning and breaking everything in sight. Vydar thought it would be good on the battlefield, and it is, but it’s not so great in the barracks. We tried keeping it in a shed but it destroyed the shed too. Not it just wanders around between battles, terrifying everyone.”

“Heirloom was actually the nerdiest kid- but he devoted his life to quantum mechanics and the study of physics and eventually was going sort of superhero was Vydar snatched him. Heirloom was none too pleased, but Vydar calmed him down with Star Wars trivia and all the seasons of Battlestar Galactica.”

“Summoning Braxas was one of the most brilliant things that Vydar has ever done. She’s a temperamental creature, and when she was found she was near death- but not from some vicious battle- she’d been dumped by some creepy male dragon. Via mindlink, Vydar encouraged her to turn her pain to hate and acid. I think she screams the male dragon’s name in battle- but I’m not sure because my command of black dragon talk isn’t all that good...”
(was Mr. Chen swaying a little?)

“The Microcorp agents all arrived in suitcases. Not with them, but IN them. Apparently it was some sort of ... recreation for them... they would seal each other or themselves in suitcases and then ... well I’m not sure what happened then. Why would anyone do that anyway?
(Mr Chen began to giggle. Or was it me?)

“Major X-17 supposedly was a gladiator but that’s just a cover story. The fool had cyberclawed himself to a large fence pole and just stood there for several months waiting for the pole to make a move. When he arrived he still had part of the fence post in his hand. We had to give him something to fight before he’d let it go.”

“Evar Scarcarver was discovered on a cruise ship. He was doing ice statues and fruit sculptures. That man is wicked with a watermelon!”

“Have you ever seen Laglor, the banner bearer?”
(I shake my head no)
“That’s because we never use him. The smallest gust of wind catches that ridiculous banner and sends him falling and tumbling in all sorts of directions. The Krav have taken more wounds from his stumbling that from any enemy.”

(I ask about Otonashi but Mr. Chen shakes his head and his cheeks flush even redder. His eyes suddenly seem so glassy, and I notice he’s looking up at the ceiling for some reason.)
“She is so beautiful.” (Then, in a whisper) “I love her. But she doesn’t know it.”
(I shake my head. It’s the same sad story everywhere, isn’t it?)

(What about Sudema? I ask, and Mr. Chen begins to laugh again.)
“She stares at herself in mirror for hours on end. We call her lady gag-gag, but not to her face of course.”

(I am just about to ask about the Forgewar- no, Forwarged- wait- Warforged Shoulders when Mr. Chen suddenly changes position. Wait- it’s me- I’ve actually slid out of my chair and onto the floor. It seems hilarious and we’re both laughing and Mr. Chen reaches down for me and pulls me up but he loses his seating and I end up back in a chair and now he’s on the floor laughing. He struggles up, rather concerned about his suit and then we just sit there for a few moments staring at each other because we’re both sort of twirling while not moving at all.)

When I wake up it’s almost morning and the bar is quiet except for the snores of the other patrons who didn’t make it out. Mr. Chen is gone, and I discover, to my chagrin, so is my wallet. Oh I don’t think Mr. Chen took it- at McDirk’s you can stay the night but you always end up paying for it.....
Total Comments 7

Comments

Old
ZBeeblebrox's Avatar
Posted May 15th, 2012 at 04:21 PM by ZBeeblebrox ZBeeblebrox is offline
Old
kolakoski's Avatar

When is your book coming out?


Well met!

Brilliant and funny!
Posted May 15th, 2012 at 05:23 PM by kolakoski kolakoski is offline
Old
MegaSilver's Avatar
I think YOU should be selected for Scaper of the Month.
Posted May 15th, 2012 at 10:20 PM by MegaSilver MegaSilver is offline
Old
Sylvano the Wasabus's Avatar
I'm afraid the book won't come out until I finish writing it...

And I should NOT be Scaper of the Month. I've told you everything (ad nauseam) about myself in the blogs already!
Posted May 16th, 2012 at 04:27 PM by Sylvano the Wasabus Sylvano the Wasabus is offline
Old
sir william the bold's Avatar
That was brilliant!
Posted May 16th, 2012 at 04:35 PM by sir william the bold sir william the bold is offline
Old
elvenwizard9's Avatar
EXCELLENT!
Do the rest of the Generals, too!
Posted May 16th, 2012 at 08:26 PM by elvenwizard9 elvenwizard9 is offline
Old
chas's Avatar
Great yuks, and an excellent accompaniment to my upcoming Generalscape game next Friday. BTW, I just got back from a nine day vacation in Charleston, S.C. Imagine them naming the entire city after me! Did you know they brew beer with grapefruit juice? They also use coffee in another brew. Sounds like the kind of thing you could find in MacDirks...
Posted May 21st, 2012 at 05:36 PM by chas chas is offline
 
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