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Speeding, Swine Flu, and you.

Posted November 24th, 2009 at 12:01 PM by The B.I.V.
Well, my good buddy rym has inspired me to pick up the pen yet again!

A couple of weeks back I was driving behind some moron (not to be confused with Mormon) on the way to work. Apparently I was being a jerk although I was unaware of this until said moron slowed to, like, 25 mph to teach me a lesson (or something). So I’m all, “whatever,” and I get in the next lane to pass him.

Well, when I get ahead of him a little way and attempt to get back over into his lane, he pulls the speed-up-really-fast-so-I-can’t-get-over-trick. I held my position until the last possible moment but finally got back in the other lane before we both died. He sped past me. At this point I’m really not all that mad. More like amused that this guy is so agitated at me that he’s pulling all this crazy crap on me.

Well he finally takes an exit up ahead of me and as I pass him I see him shaking his fist and making some facial gesture at me out of the corner of my eye. As I passed I just looked straight ahead while holding up my middle finger. But you have to understand, I didn’t just flash it, I held it up for the entire pass and a little bit after, which makes for a much better effect. It was so awesome I nearly cried…

Perhaps fittingly, a week or so after that incident I was pulled over along pretty much the same stretch of highway for speeding. I believe I was going about 80 (my speed of choice) in a 65. The officer, of course, did me a “favor” and wrote it for like, 5 over (like that’s a favor. They always do that and it’s still gonna cost me 90 bucks). He then proceeds to give me a warning about following too closely and asks me how much space there should be between me and the next car and I regurgitate the 3-second rule and then he asks me:

“How close were you to the car in front of you?”
“Uuuuhhh…I don’t know.”
“You don’t know”, he asks, all incredulously, trying to lay some big guilt trip on me. And I’m just like, give me the damn ticket already! I don’t need a lecture from a high-school dropout on how I’m endangering lives and crap. If everyone drove like me, there would be a lot less dead people. Which reminds me…

It bugs the crap out of me that people want to legislate safety these days. I mean, I have to wear a seat belt, my kids have to be in car seats, etc. etc. People would rather give up freedoms in order to be safer. Or, put another way, people would rather be told what to do than take any personal responsibility for their actions. Take sexual harassment. Back in the 40’s and 50’s there wasn’t sexual harassment because people acted responsibly and didn’t say stupid crap that they shouldn’t be talking about. Men were gentlemen, and conducted themselves as such (yes, there were miscreants, but there are always miscreants, and there weren’t nearly as many back then as there are today). No, I wasn’t alive back then, but I know exactly what went on because I’m an expert on everything, so stick with me, here.

These days, rather than acting responsibly people would rather act however the hell they want to and have laws tell them when they’re screwing up. People would rather have cars that maximize their chances of surviving a crash (not necessarily a bad thing) rather than drive in a non-moronic way so as not to get in the accident in the first place (a better thing). I know, “But Brandon, you can’t control the other person. You can’t control the situation all the time because you can’t control the other person.” True but you can minimize the chances of crashing. It’s called defensive driving. I’ve been in one accident in my entire life when I was the driver and that was back when I was a stupid teenager that thought I knew everything (as opposed to now, a pushing 40-er that thinks I know everything).

At any rate, I go to traffic court today to sort out my ticket. I’ll go to traffic school or plead guilty in abeyance or some such ridiculousness, pay my fine, and be on my way. I should probably learn a lesson or something but the only lesson that has really impressed itself upon my psyche is: “Don’t get caught next time.” Sad but true…

And speaking of Karma (which is actually an Eastern Religion term that has somehow found acceptance in the Western vocabulary) or choice and consequence (if you’re a Christian) (yup, this is gonna be a long one, but it’s been awhile so cut me some slack), I got a dumb email about swine flu from one of my dumb colleagues the other day. It was one of those alarmist missives (are there any other kind when the subject is swine flu) saying that people touch their faces more than 10 times an hour and listing things you can do to protect yourself and others, blah, blah, blah. So I “replied to all” of her dumb associates and family members and her that “I will now touch my face 20 times per hour! Look, this swine flu crap is ridiculous. If I get it, I get it, and hopefully I'll give it to a few of you as well! Cheers!”

It made me feel good but the next day I came across this awesome article that said it so much better than I ever could have, so I sent a second email (although this time I spared her and her family and just limited it to our mutual work associates): “Sorry about that. I think what I was really trying to say (in regards to swine flu) was:
http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=swine_flu Warning: Profanity. .”
Still speaking of Karma, those of you westerners that feel inclined to seek out Eastern religions, don’t. You’re just trying too hard! Those religions were created by easterners for easterners. There are more than enough flavors of Christianity to suit a multitude of tastes and if none of them suit you then just come up with your own spiritual regimen. But I digress…
Prehaps fittingly, I came down with a mild case of fever n chills. Luckily it only lasted an evening and by noon the next day I was feeling much better.
‘Course, I never said I wouldn’t get the flu, so I think I’m safe on this one. I accepted the risk, got it, and now I’m moving on. If that’s the only case of flu I get this year I’ll count myself lucky (or blessed as the case may be).

Now one last thing. There’s this gal in my department, here, named “Miri.” Now, you’re thinking: “Meeree, what a nice (or odd, depending) name.” But that’s not the half of it! She pronounces her name: Maraye. Yeah, apparently the laws of the natural world don’t apply to her. Now, I’m not big on creative names to begin with, but when you start defying the laws of grammar when naming your children you need to be shot, or killed, or shot and killed; Seriously. Miri according to the English language (and she’s a straight-up, non-ethnic, white chick) is pronounced MEEREE! Her parents are stupid and so is she and I hope they all die.
Wow, that felt good! Thanks for letting me vent and I’ll try to not let it all build up next time. Cheers!
Total Comments 5


J4Jandar's Avatar
Wow, I read the first half of the blog and totally agree about not driving stupid, legislating safety and the like but then scrolled down and my add kicked in. I drooled on my self for about 10 seconds then decided to post a reply.

I'll read the rest later BIV. I only have to say that people shouldn't need to be afraid of their kids. Too many laws give children leverage over their parents making miscreants miscreantier...
Posted November 24th, 2009 at 01:02 PM by J4Jandar J4Jandar is offline
The B.I.V.'s Avatar
Not sure what you're getting at, there, J4J (with the kids and parents thing). Yes, this is definitely a meaty one. Not for the faint of heart!
Posted November 25th, 2009 at 11:10 AM by The B.I.V. The B.I.V. is offline
Well, I read the whole thing over. Walls of text do not scare me!

Very good read, though. I am glad you decided to write another one.
Posted November 25th, 2009 at 12:00 PM by Warlord Alpha Warlord Alpha is offline
EternalThanos86's Avatar
Excellent read, esp. the part about legislating safety and people being idiots when danger comes their way (aka swine flu).
Posted November 26th, 2009 at 01:17 PM by EternalThanos86 EternalThanos86 is offline
NecroBlade's Avatar
I'm proud to be the kind of driver that pulls the speed-up-really-fast-so-you-can’t-get-over-trick.
Posted November 26th, 2009 at 04:41 PM by NecroBlade NecroBlade is offline
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