...drifting...

How do you know where you’re supposed to go?

I’ve always subscribed to the theory that if you keep doing something, you will at least find out what you’re not supposed to be doing, what direction you’re not supposed to be going in- and thus by default remain on your truth path. But that’s the same as walking into walls to find your way down a hallway.

How can one bypass all that thumping?

When I was younger I thought I knew which way was the best for me. But all sorts of things popped up, and some commitments have developed into families and people who need me in one way or another. I guess that’s what life is, but no matter how noble it sounds to live in the service of others somehow I cannot shake the feeling that there is something I should be doing that I currently am not.

I’ve had much shakeup in my life the last couple years- health problems, losing jobs- and though all of that was sometimes incredibly upsetting, it was like walking into the walls.

My job was not that important, it was not a path that really led anywhere important for me. It put food on the table, and I tried to think that was enough. It wasn’t. Then when my job was gone I realized how wonderful it was to have dependable employment and that food on the table was not something to be taken for granted.

Fast forward and last week they asked me in my temporary job to stay permanently and it felt wonderful. It was like I was able to relax for the first time in a long time. Skip to today and funding was cut and I have maybe six weeks. It’s not as devastating as it once was. After all, it’s not really what I should be doing.

If you consider that there are billions of people on this planet, and billions more who have lived before- can one person really be that much of anything? I think no. Groups of people can, and have, over time, by working together. So what am I so hung up about? I’m not going to change the world, or invent anything.

I like to think about human hunter gatherer groups when considering people today. I like the perspective it gives.

I have a friend who cannot resist believing every conspiracy theory there is. Right now he’s preparing for this year’s government meltdown and society’s descent into chaos. Guys like him helped our ancestors get through the rough times, when they really happened.

I know some people who don’t believe in evolution. Evolutionarily speaking, their disbelief is predicted by evolution. Our species does not put all its eggs in one basket. Some people will always cling to the past and the status quo just as others are determined to unravel the future.

Doomsayers made us hesitate and saved our genes, while religious figures encouraged us to follow rules that encouraged our survival through diet, hygiene and behaviour.

I know I’m just another body among the billions. I recognize that my longing is a genetic device designed to help my species survive. I understand that it is pretty much meaningless – it’s mine alone, my personal burden, and my personal struggle. A personal, inextinguishable fire- for I know that it is not a single accomplishment I yearn for- achieving them is meaningless to me. Struggling to create something is the place I feel at home.

So perhaps that is my answer- I must keep working towards something, always. Otherwise I feel miserable, lazy, useless. The struggle keeps me alive.

Now if I can just channel this somehow into building something that would benefit me- a rewarding job, for example. But I think I am cursed Cassandra-like- she could foresee the future but no one would believe her. I can do all sorts of things, build things, imagine things and see them through to fruition, but if it’s for or about me I’m not really interested.

I’d like to believe the universe isn’t thumping on my door telling me to pay attention to what I frequently ignore, but it’s getting hard to ignore the thumping. My personal descent into madness.

I guess it’s finally time to finish and publish a book or two.

From a recent interview with Josh Whedon:
Interviewer: Tell us a joke
Josh: Your life has meaning.
Interviewer: Tell us a secret
Josh: Your life has meaning.