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Every Tuesday night I go to Dignan's to play Heroscape. Here's what happens...
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Tuesday Nights at Dignan's (9/23/08)

Posted October 29th, 2008 at 10:00 PM by DrLivingston
It's Tuesday. Here's what happened.

The Players:

: My name is DrLivingston. I am not, as funrun imagined, "really really old." I drink as much as I can as fast as I can on Tuesday night. Well lets be honest. I always drink as much as I can as fast as I can. But I play about the same, drunk or sober, so what the hell...

Podwest: Podwest is a pretty smart guy (I figure as he's some sort of engineer for a very successful company). He's also a pretty ***** guy when he loses. Which happened a lot tonight. Ha!

MyBroInLaw: I have 2 beefs about my brother in law. First he doesn't belong to this site so I am forever writing out my brother-in-law or some variation thereof instead of ace99 or whatever.

Also he makes me late every effing Tuesday night. And he's not my wife, so WTF? I can't get mad at my wife for making me late, or I'd never stop being mad.

But he's a dude. And not my wife. So I'm pissed!

And it's the same time every freaking Tuesday. How can he not know to get here on time? So I'm always calling Dignan saying we're going to be late.

And Dignan always says something along the lines of, "Of course you're late douche bag. You're always late, ****-wit.

And that's just a **** way to start the night.

Dignan: Speaking of. Dignan is the host. He makes the maps--always very cool ones. And not frozen staircase cool, but highways and dieways cool(sorry jonathon). And he... Well no, really, that's it.

He tells me he's a bad ass dancer. I have to believe him as I see no other reason his wife would have married him.


Dicemaster: Dicemaster is calm, cool, and collected. And he is still trying to figure the Tuesday night scene out. Tonight after Dignan did that thing with my mother and the whores, Dicemaster commented that we must have all known each other for a long time.

Implying that there's no way relative strangers would treat each other this way.

And yet the first Tuesday I was ever at Dignan's was exactly the same as this Tuesday.

Well as far as the insulting behavior and general bastard attitude. What is different is that I never tell Podwest my army beforehand. The cheating ****.

Still no Arlingtonians this week. Maybe next week? C'mon Rod, Rym, and Cheddarlimbo! Or really anyone in the DFW area. PM Dignan, get directions, and show up. You can only make the night better...

So when I got there(late again--way to go BroInLaw), Dignan was wailing on Podwest. They were playing:

Map: Dolin's Switchback
Date Uploaded: 9/07/08
Requirements: 1 RotV, 1 TT, 1 RttFF

This is Dignan's second map to be selected for Hexes in Texas NHSD.

Which is good because it's a good (difficult as all get out) map.

But he is so insufferable about it:

"Yeah, we're playing on a NHSD map. Yeah, I did create it. I'm in the BOV, you know..."*


Podwest had:
120 Kaemon Awa
225 10th regiment x 3
185 Zelrig
Maybe? I don't completely remember his army because it didn't matter.

Dignan had just about the bastardest army ever with:
100 Krav
80 Rats x 2
110 Airborne Elite
10 Red Ninja Effer
240 Stingers x 4

I know what you're thinking, "Hey, Dignan can't do that! That's 28 starting zone spaces, and there's only 24 in Hexes in Texas National Heroscape Day!"

And you're right.

And that's what I said.

And Dignan told me I was wrong and full of **** because the AE didn't count for starting zone spaces.

So Dicemaster called a friend of his and the friend said no, that was cool. Airborne Elite don't count against your starting zone spaces.

Well I was pretty sure that friend was full of ****, but since friends on cell phones count more than me at Dignan's, Podwest got shellacked.

Big Time.

And then Dicemaster got shellacked as well. By Dignan wih the same army on the same map.

Dicemaster tried:

210 Braxas (a classy choice)
220 Tor Kul Na
?? Nagrubs x ?
??? ????

Again I dont remember, but it didn't matter. Dignan wailed with his cheating-AE-no-start-space-taking-up-ass.

I need to pause here and comment that Dicemaster had been staying up nights trying to figure out how to beat the stinger army Dignan used to paste him with last week. He came up with Braxas and TorKulNa?

Braxas, as I well know, is not going to melt enough stingers.

Anyway Dignan essentially came up with a way to have a 28 start zone.

So I though, "Well ****, this will work with an insane Venoc army and took:

120 Venoc Warlord
65 Armoc Vipers x 1
110 Airborne Elite
240 Venoc Vipers x 6

against Podwest (who was really excited to play against a Venoc frenzy army. Yes, Podwest, they're the ones with the defense of zero...) and took:

180 "I Cost Too Much" Taelord
60 Zetacron
300 Stingers x 5 (what a douche...)

So now Dignan gets on line and looks up the FAQ. And guess what?

Airborne Elite DO count against your start zone limit.

And that ****er Podwest made me change my army!

"I'm grandfathered in!" I screamed to no avail.

Everyone laughs and Dignan says, " Tough ****."

Typical Dignan.


To make things move along I dropped one Venoc squad. So my army was 495 points with 22 spaces. 45 points less than Podwests.

The glyphs were Lodin(+1 d20) and Dagmar(Iniative +8.

The AE dropped first round. After 2 turns of machine guns dakka dakkka-ing and grenades exploding there were 7 less stingers.

And after my frenzy dance (5 times in the second round alone--twice with a 14! Go Lodin!) there were 2 stingers left.

And Podwest was pah-iss-ed!

And I was smiling!


It was sooooo cool.

**** like that makes me want to take a Venoc army to NHSD and try to get that lucky again. Or Vegas.

Admittedly that was the perfect map with the perfect glyph with a perfect AE first round drop for a Venoc Frenzy army to romp.

But still, HA!

HA, Podwest, you loooooooose!

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

When I walked in Dignan was wailing on Podwest.

MyBroInLaw and I sat down to play on GameBear's super fun Map, Badru Valley:

The glyph was the wound glyph.

MyBroInLaw continued his grut infatuation with:
120 Grminak
100 Tonak
110 Ornak
210 Heavy Gruts x 3

I had been trolling through the 540 army thread and came up with:
90 NeGokSa
50 MeBurqSa
390 Grok Riders x 3

I blame some Red Sox lover who had a similar army posted in the 540 thread for my failure to win.

Couldn't be my fault.

Maybe R˙chean's right.

I am bitter and full of excuses...

Well, whatever, the Grok Riders rocked on offense with the warlord adjacent thing, but got hosed--and I mean Ho-Zed on the whole defense end of things.

I took out Tornak(in 1 turn of Grok madness) and 10 Heavy Gruts before the tables were turned on me. NeGokSa never got a chance to mindshackle anyone.

Ornak's Utgar symbol counting as a skull for all orcs w./in 2 is Kill-Ar!

Dignan, of course, laughed at my defeat. "Served me right," he said, "for taking an unserious army."

But I was just tired of trying to get that perfect 540 army together--thus 3 squads of Grok riders and a Venoc army for this evening's army selections.

No That's-What-She-Said Moments of note for Dignan tonight, but there were 2 real bastard moments.


The first began with me asking him to hand me a beer.

After saying no, he got up, grabbed a beer, walked over, and then instead of handing me the beer, proceeds to rub it all over his crotch.

Then he hands me the beer.

Well **** that! No way! I know it didn't really touch Dignan's ****, but no way I'm drinking that beer!

Come on!

So, amidst cat calls and shouts of derision from the room, Dignan returns the crotch beer and brings me a new untainted beer.

So I drink it.

And Dignan laughs and laughs and of course it's the same beer, he just pretended to switch it.

I'm typing this and I still can't believe it happened.

What a douche bag.



My phone rings and I answer it because I have 2 very young children home alone with a harried saint of a wife who is trying to give me a night off but really no way am I not answering that phone because who knows. Right?

It's my mom.

I say it's my mom.

Dignan yells, "Wow! The whores here are really something, huh DrLivingston!"

So I panicked and hung up.

I mean, that was not a conversation that was going to go well...

*Dignan never said that. But it would be funnier if he had.
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