Kit: Young Ninja

[Orcs Blade]

Sorry I have been and am REALLY busy. I'm trying to make time for the story (I'd say it should happen today, but I've said that too much recently. ), but who knows...

[Orcs Blade]

Finally, the long awaited chapter seventeen is finished! On the one day where I do not say that "it should be done later today", it actually is.

Chapter 17
Kit gaped at him for a moment, and then, recovering himself, leaped towards his father, “Dad!”
Rayolm gave his son a little smile, saying “Perhaps now is not the best off times.”
Kit frowned, “Why—“ then he remembered Derrek and the Orcs. Looking slightly sheepish, he turned to face them.
Derrek laughed maniacally, “You may have defeated me when I had no secure foothold, but you are no match for my strength!”
Rayolm smiled agreeably, “Of course you are” he said pleasantly, “you’re just not bright enough to realize.”
Derrek frowned, a hint of uncertainty showing through his mask of confidence, “Realize what?”
Rayolm’s smile widened, “I don’t need to be stronger than you if you’re unconscious.”
Derrek’s frown deepened into confusion as he looked around wildly, “I’m not unconscious” he decided finally, “and I’m not falling for your bluff.”
Rayolm nodded sagely, “I’m sure you’re not. You’re to busy falling for my son.”
Derrek had barely had the time to process these words before the hilt of Kit’s katana banged twice on his temple and he collapsed. Kit slid the katana back into its sheath on his back and drew two throwing knives. Rayolm gave a satisfied nod and let the illusion of his son being at his side fade as he turned to face the rabble of Orcs, who, up until now, had been to awed to attack. However, when they saw their chieftain fall, they began to yell and charge forward, brandishing their weapons. They didn’t get far. Rayolm flicked his staff upward and a bright flash exploded out towards them, blinding them temporarily. At the same time, rocks seemed to sprout from the ground, making it nearly impossible to go through blinded and charging. Only an extremely skilled warrior would have been able to retain his footing. The Orcs proved that they were definitely not skilled warriors. Confused and blinded, the momentum of their rush caused them to trip over one another and the rocks. The formidable seeming mob disintegrated into a pile of grunting, angry Orcs. Rayolm waved his staff once more and a large metal net appeared, falling neatly over the pile of them and nailing itself into the ground. Humming lightly to himself, Rayolm Starbringer turned to his son, “I haven’t had that much fun in years!”

[bumper15]

Man! Kit's dad kicks major butt! The wait was worth it, although hopefully it won't have to be repeated. Keep it going!

[BassistofDoom]

Originally Posted by bumper15

Man! Kit's dad kicks major butt! The wait was worth it, although hopefully it won't have to be repeated. Keep it going!

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Ah! #1 fan fic is back with all the greatness that was expected of it. I love reading this thing. May it continue for many a moon.

[Elven Lord]

For many a decade. OB you're a genius!

[Orcs Blade]

Thanks everyone!

Here's part eighteen. On the short side, but then, most of my chapters are.

Chapter 18
Kit gaped wordlessly at his father. He had always thought of his father as a soft-spoken, peaceful man who had a sort of quiet authority that enabled him to be village leader. That quiet, law-abiding man had just easily and thoroughly beaten a rabble of orcs without the slightest show of effort. His father smiled at him, but held up a restraining hand, and walked over to Derrek. He frowned at Derrek’s unconscious form, muttering what sounded like a spell under his breath. Rayolm’s brows came together in a look of concentration and he pointed his staff at Derrek. Derrek began to jerk around and twitch. Kit swallowed nervously. The minutes trickled by, but Rayolm did not move. Suddenly, Derrek stopped twitching and collapsed. Rayolm straightened, turning back to Kit with a smile. “Derrek is back.” Kit walked over to Derrek in a trance, and looked down at his motionless form. For one horrible moment, Kit thought that Derrek was dead, but then he stirred, his eyes fluttering open.

“Where am I?” He asked, groaning as he sat up.

“Um…” was all Kit could get out. Silent tears were pouring down his face, but they were tears of happiness. Derrek opened his mouth to say something, but Kit reached forward and drew Derrek into a hug.

Derrek looked extremely uncomfortable. “Um…Kit?”

Kit drew back, laughing and crying at the same time. “Sorry,—hic—you have no—hic—idea what I’ve—hic-- been through.”

“For that matter,” Derrek said, “I don’t have any idea what I’ve been through either. Could someone please explain?”

Rayolm, who up until then had been on the sidelines, watching, now stepped in. “You’ve been possessed.”

Derrek frowned at him, “By who…by what?”

Rayolm looked at him, “That’s what I was hoping you’d tell me.”

[TheEpicAlpaca]

WOW! I just stumbled upon this thread and it is amazing. I have been reading it non stop for the past couple of days and it really quenches my back story needs. I have always loved back story's and this is great. A few words of constructive criticism are you could add a little detail. For example...

1. When Derrek got up you could say, "Derrek got up with sweat on his face and clothes ripped. He groaned as Kit helped steady him"
2. Or, Raylom looked at him with a more serious face and concern as he asked the question, "That's what I was hoping you tell me?"

Just these little things could help your writing.

[The Grim Reaper's Friend]

Personally, I've found that too much detail can be tedious to the reader. I think OB has done a great job of monitoring the level of intricate detail like that, so that his story is exciting, engaging, and descriptive. Too much, and you run the risk of losing or boring your reader. Too little, and the reader may come away with a sense of possessing incomplete information. I gather neither of these from OB and his story, and therefore I have come to the conclusion that he has just the right mix. Keep up the great writing, OB!

[TheEpicAlpaca]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

Personally, I've found that too much detail can be tedious to the reader. I think OB has done a great job of monitoring the level of intricate detail like that, so that his story is exciting, engaging, and descriptive. Too much, and you run the risk of losing or boring your reader. Too little, and the reader may come away with a sense of possessing incomplete information. I gather neither of these from OB and his story, and therefore I have come to the conclusion that he has just the right mix. Keep up the great writing, OB!

I know. But that's my thing that I like to do. Anyway keep on giving us those great chapters OB.

[Orcs Blade]

Well, thanks for the feedback, guys. I'll try to keep writing more chapters fast and with the right mix of detail.

[Elven Lord]

Originally Posted by The Grim Reaper's Friend

Personally, I've found that too much detail can be tedious to the reader. I think OB has done a great job of monitoring the level of intricate detail like that, so that his story is exciting, engaging, and descriptive. Too much, and you run the risk of losing or boring your reader. Too little, and the reader may come away with a sense of possessing incomplete information. I gather neither of these from OB and his story, and therefore I have come to the conclusion that he has just the right mix. Keep up the great writing, OB!

I'll have to keep that in mind for my fanfics. Someone once told me they liked slink but that they felt like they were slogging through taffy somewhere in the middle of the first chapter. Yeah definetly something for me to keep in mind. Thanks!