''Compass of the Spring'' It's over

[dragonfire9788]

This story is a story with a lot of parts to it.

It also has a lot of heroscape figures dying

Tell me what you think.

Part 1

Thorgrim looked over the plain. He watched as the forces of Einar were retreating. He did not know why because as of right know they were outnumbered 1000 to 100. During this battle he had watched Crixus jabb his sword into Finn. He had died instantly. Thorgrim had found a map that told where Spatacuses army was heading. Thorgrim then hopped on his horse.''I have to go north and warn Sir Denrick of the oncoming onslaught'' he told Alastar. With that he rode off to northern Laur.



End of Part 1

Sorry, part 1 was short

[deathsaurx]

....... Um....... I like the plot. You could go in to more detail about why this is happening and why Einar is attacking. Also, check your spelling and punctuation. Overall, its could use some work.... srry

[dragonfire9788]

Thanks Deathsaurx.

You'll figure out why in part 2.

Thanks for telling me.

Part 2 will be better. Hopefully

[johnny139]

Yeah, the plot was a bit weak, and it was to short. That's about it, really.

[dragonfire9788]

Part 2

Upper Upper Bleakwoode

Thorgrim's horse was going along the road.''Pssst''. Thorgrim stopped, dismounted his horse, and drew his sword. Then he heard a rustle in the leaves. Then a net came out of the bushes. It landed on Thorgrim's horse. He then saw the figure in the bushes. Thorgrim reached his had out. He grabbed the figures neck and pulled it into the light. It was a muscular human. Thorgrim looked where the figure had been crouching. There was a trident there. Thorgrim looked at the figure. It was Retiarius.
''What are you doing here'',Thorgrim said.''Do you want to know why Einar attacked your battalion?'' Retiarius said weakly.''Why?'' Thorgrim said. ''He wanted you're brother's wellspring compas which he stole from Einar''. ''Why are you telling me this?''said Thorgrim. He started to loosen his grip. ''Not all people are loyal to just one valkyrie'',said Retiarius. Thorgrim then let go of him. Retarius took the net off the horse. '' The wellspring compas can detect wellsprings. Einar plans on selling it to Utgar!'' He said. '' We can't let Einar do that'', said Thorgrim. ''Arrrrrrrrgh!!!'' said Retiarius. He fell to the ground dead. Thorgim noticed there was an arrow in Retiarius's back. Then arrows started flying through the air. Thorgrim jumped on his horse and galloped away before an arrow could hit him.

End of part 2

[johnny139]

Much better, but you might want to space out sentances more. For example, instead of:

Then a net came out of the bushes. It landed on Thorgrim's horse.

It would be:

A net came bursting from the bushes, hitting on the viking's horse and dragging it to the ground and throwing its rider off.

You see. Combine sentances, change names to descriptive nouns (in bold), use more vivid verbs and adjectives (in italics), and overall be more descriptive (underlined).

[dragonfire9788]

I will see what I can do .

Keep sending you're posts .

I like doing this. :banana:

[dragonfire9788]

I like the idea Johnny139.

As for now I won't put anything in different print.

Thorgrim won't bite the dust

[deathsaurx]

Yea you have to be more descriptive. No offense or anything but try spending more time writing these things. This looked like it took 5 minutes........srry again Johhny remove the first and and replace it with a comma and your sentence will be fine. Also, hitting on? Whats up with that?! What about just hitting the viking's horse?.... srry again

[dragonfire9788]

It took 10 minutes.

(Not that I was keeping track or anything)

Keep posting guys. I enjoy it.

[deathsaurx]

Try editing your errors now.....

[dragonfire9788]

I'll get part 3 up to marro

Sneak peak:

Southern Laur

Titled: The tracks