The Joke Thread

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, "Johnny I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests."

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

"Well, said Mr. Johnson, I was looking over your test and the question was, ‘Who was our first president?’, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put ‘George Washington,’ and so did you."

"So, everyone knows that he was the first president."

"Well, just wait a minute," said Mr. Johnson. "The next question was, ‘Who freed the slaves?’ Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you."

"Well, I read the history book last night and I remembered that," said Johnny.

"Wait, wait," said Mr. Johnson, "The next question was, ‘Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?’ Mary put ‘I don't know,’ and you put, ‘Me neither’."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

A newly-appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside committal service at a small country cemetery in Iowa. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left in Iowa. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way.

After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workmen were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service in its entirety. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Maybe we'd better tell him that's the septic tank."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of puppies. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were 2 boy puppies and 2 girl puppies."

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

Three guys are convicted of a very serious crime, and they're all sentenced to 20 years in solitary confinement. They're each allowed one thing to bring into the cell with them.

The first guy asks for a big stack of books. The second guy asks for his wife. The third guy asks for 1,000 cartons of cigarettes.

At the end of the 20 years, they open up the first guy's cell. He comes out and says, "I studied so hard. I'm so bright now, I could be a lawyer. It was terrific."

They open up the second guy's door. He comes out with his wife, and they've got five new kids. He says, "It was the greatest thing of my life. My wife and I have never been so close. I have a beautiful new family. I love it."

They open up the third guy's door, and he's slapping at his pockets asking, "Anybody got a match?"

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,

Spoiler Alert!

"The teeth."

[SirGalahad]

Joke of the Day

Yikes, am I really that far behind?!?


One day three golfers were playing a round of golf. They were on the ninth hole near the highway getting ready to tee off. One of the golfers had his club in mid-swing when he noticed a funeral procession coming up the highway. He lowered his club and took off his hat as he stood there reverently waiting for it to pass. The other two golfers followed suit and all three stood quietly until the last car was out of sight. The first golfer then made a beautiful drive right down the middle of the fairway.

"You know, Jack?" one of the other golfers said, "that was really nice the way you waited for that funeral procession to pass."

"Well, I felt it was the least I could do," Jack responded. "After all, she did give me 30 of the best years of her life."

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An airplane pilot had had a particularly difficult flight and a rough landing. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile and give them a ''Thanks for riding Royal Airlines.'' But, in light of his bad landing, the pilot had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment.

Finally, everyone had gotten off except for this little old lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no, ma'am," replied the pilot, "what is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"

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A bachelor who, for companionship, had a beloved cat for over 10 years, plans a vacation to Paris and entrusts the cat with his brother. As soon as he arrives in Paris he calls his brother and asks how his cat is doing without him.

"Oh, the cat? He's dead." said the brother bluntly.

"I can't believe this!" yells the bachelor. "How could you tell me he's dead like that?"

"How else was I supposed to tell you?" the brother asked.

"Well you could have broke it to me gently," the brother went on. "When I called today you could have said he is up on the roof but the fire department is getting him down. Then tomorrow when I called you could have said that he fell while they were trying to rescue him and broke his back but, don't worry, the best vet in town was doing the surgery to repair it. And then when I called the third day you could have said they did all they could do but they couldn't save him."

The brother thought about this and says, "That does sound better than the way I said it."

"Never mind," says the bachelor exasperated, "How's mother?"

The brother says, "She's on the roof but the fire department is getting her down."

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[Dr.Goomonkey]

Joke of the Day

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.” The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.” Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop:

Spoiler Alert!

“We make the best violins on the block.”

[Dr.Goomonkey]

Joke of the Day

Two men, Jim and John, were walking their dogs when they passed by a restaurant. “Let’s go in and get something to eat,” Jim suggested.

“We can’t,” responded John, “don’t you see the sign says NO PETS ALLOWED.”

“Aah that sign,” said Jim, “don’t worry about it” and taking out a pair of sunglasses, he walked up to the door.

As he tried walking into the restaurant he got stopped at the door, “Sorry, no pets allowed.”

"Can’t you see,” said Jim, “I am blind, this is my seeing eye dog.”

"But it’s a doberman pincher, who uses a doberman pincher as a seeing eye dog?” the man asked.

“Oh,” Jim responded, “you must have not heard, this is the latest type of seeing eye dog, they do a very good job.”

Seeing that it worked, John tried walking in with his Chihuahua.

Even before he could open his mouth, the doorman said, “Don’t tell me that a Chihuahua is the latest type of seeing eye dog.”

Thinking quickly John responded angrily,

Spoiler Alert!

“You mean they gave me a Chihuahua?”

[Dr.Goomonkey]

Joke of the Day

What does Mario use to talk with the Boos?

Spoiler Alert!

A Luigi board

[mac122]

Joke of the Moment

Harry and Lydia had been married for 60 years. Sadly, the fire had gone out a long time ago and quite frankly, they didn't like each other too much anymore. One day, Lydia died. She found herself at the Pearly Gates, standing in front of St. Peter.

"Well, Lydia, everything seems to be in order," he told her, "there's only one thing left before you can enter: a spelling test."

Lydia was taken aback, but understood once St. Peter said, "Spell the word 'love'."

"L-O-V-E," she replied.

"That's wonderful! Come on in, Lydia!"

Lydia started to enter, when St. Peter said, "Lydia, I've been here at the gates for awhile. I need a quick break. Would you watch the gates for me for just a bit?"

"I just got here. Certainly, there must be someone else here more qualified."

"You can see it's not hard. You know what to do," St. Peter assured her as he walked off.

Not long after St. Peter left, who did Lydia see? It was Harry standing at the gates. "What are you doing here?" she asked.

"After you passed away, I just couldn't go on. I went home from the funeral and just laid down and died."

"Well, to come in you just have to pass a spelling test," explained Lydia,

Spoiler Alert!

"your word is: Czechoslovakia."

[Joseph Sweeney]

Several men were in locker room of the gym when a phone on the bench rang and a man picked it up and put it on speaker and began to talk.

Man: Hello!

Woman: Hi honey, you at the club?

Man: Yep.

Woman: I'm at the shop right now and found a leather coat that I want and it's only $2,000. Can I get it?

Man: Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.

Woman: I also stopped at the Lexus dealership and looked at the new models and saw one I really like.

Man: How much?

Woman: $90,000

Man: Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options.

Woman: Great! And one more thing, I was talking to Janie, and the house that I wanted last year is back on the market. They want $980,000.

Man: Well offer them $900,000, they should accept that. If they don't we can go the extra $80,000 if you really want it.

Woman: Thanks, honey! I love! Talk to you later!

Man: Bye, love you too!

The man hangs up, and everyone stands staring at him dumb-founded with their mouths wide open. The man puts the phone down and looks up at them.

Man: Anyone know whose phone this is?

~JS

[Marro_Warlord]

A College Teacher is waiting for his student to arrive to his class. Soon, it is time for the class to start, but no students are there. Suddenly, a student bursts through the door.

Student: Sorry, I'm late, I was busy throwing pebbles of a cliff.

Teacher: Oh well, sit down, sit down. Hopefully the others will be here soon.

Another student walks into the classroom.

Student 2: Sorry I'm late, I was busy sticking pebbles in a blast furnace.

Teacher: Alright, alright. We will wait for the other four to get here.

The third student walks into the classrooom.

Student 3: Really sorry I'm late! My car got stuck running over pebbles.

Teacher: Oh well, at least we only have to wait for three more people.

The fourth student bursts into the classroom.

Student 4: *Pant* *Pant* My apologies, I was busy chucking pebbels into a nuclear reactor.

Teacher: Okay. Only two more students to go!

The fifth student walks into the classroom.

Student 5: Look, I sorry I'm late. I was just busy burying pebbles in the swamp.

Teacher: Sit down now! You're very late! At least not as late as the last one!

Finally, the sixth student walks into the classroom.

Student 6: Sorry Teacher. I know I'm late. I was just busy tarring pebbles.

Teacher: Good! You're all here! Now we can begin class!

Suddenly, a man with ragged clothes limps into the room, and then falls onto the floor.

Teacher: Who are you?

Man: I'm... Pebbles...

The end!