The Ransom of Kaemon Awa

You may remember that my sons and I discovered that a neighbourhood kid named William had a box of Scape that his mom had picked up a yard sale. William is four and he plays with my four year old sometimes.

We were happy to see another kid enjoying Scape- but then we saw he had the Heroes of Durgeth- specifically Kaemon Awa, Eldgrim and Kee-Mo-Shi - figures we have never even seen before.

So a plan was hatched to trade William 20 ratmen for Kaemon Awa. I was tasked with finding cheap Warhammer Skaven and painting them. William has been to our house and likes playing with our little rats- and so he agreed to the trade.

I tried to find some sturdy skaven- the ones from the most recent boxed set- The Island of Blood are pretty good- they are all one piece and just one arm and the base must be attached. I managed to get twenty for $15 and painted them up, ready to go.

It took me a while to find them and paint them so we weren’t sure if William was still willing to go through with it- we had avoided nagging him lest we sour the deal. But he said, yes, and knowing that we had been interested in Eldgrim and Kee-Mo-Shi, he said he’d throw them into the deal too.

I think he’s kind of lost interest in Scape – he’s only four, remember- and he’s really into Ben Ten right now.

But when I got to his house I discovered the painful truth.

Perhaps some of you thought what we were doing was wrong- somehow taking advantage of a little kid. Well, now you will hear the truth.

William is a horrible little boy. A monster, really. It’s hard to judge little children; they’re small and cute but you must remember master criminals and serial killers are born and spend the usual amount of time as tiny tots too.

This is what William is really like. I hadn’t realized. His mother had claw marks all over her legs and arms and their couch had been chewed almost to death.


But the worst was yet to come!


William was happy with the rats. He laughed in a way that scared me.

I think he’s been manipulating us all along.
Soon it was obvious he was planning some new evil.


And then he showed his Heroscape figures. Yes, he had been abusing Kaemon Awa and the others in the most horrible of ways.

This is how I found them.


They were babbling and incoherent, bound hand and foot. They had been made to kneel with pieces of Kleenex over their heads. Kee-Mo-Shi insisted that she was now a unicorn.

This is the prison where they were kept.

William called it the “A-boo” – I think he’s somehow heard of Abu Ghraib. It was very dusty and the conditions were not nice at all.


The Heroscape trio had been held by the most abusive of jailors- children. Little people know nothing of morality and tormented the poor heroes every second of their incarceration. It is a miracle they survived.

Then I discovered actual photographic evidence of some of the torture they endured.

No one but a four old could think up such horrors.


They were forced to spend hours sitting on a nice couch. They could not leave the couch, get the couch dirty, or get their clothes dirty. They were not allowed to fidget much either. In the photo I think the pain in Eldgrim’s face speaks volumes.


They were fed the worst sort of food and they had no idea what it was. It did not even look like food. They were forced to sit there until the plate was clean, even if it took hours and hours. Also they were forced to eat salad. In the photo, you can see the horror on their faces.


Apparently William has a chemical weapon development program too. A wee elephant was fed the same questionable food that the Heroscape heroes were, and then the trio were forced to endure gassing, in the name of “research”. Poor Eldgrim is now afraid of all loud noises.


They were forced to listen to three women discuss purses for forty-five minutes.


They were shown a real monkey but forbidden to touch it, or make faces at it or interact with it in any way.


Eldgrim was forced to brush the teeth of a large hungry crocodile with bad breath.


Kee-Mo-Shi was forced to be a translator for pirates.
Example: Avast! Yon lubber bilge rats otter b’ explodin’ with barnacles an’ keelhauled!
Translation: Wizards should not have cancelled Scape!


Kaemon Awa was forced to explain reality television to several undead brutes. As it turned out, they really liked Jersey Shore.


William howls after us as we leave. I’m afraid to think what he will become as he grows older. I’m planning on moving away from this neighbourhood.

We now have Kaemon Awa, Eldgrim and Kee-Mo-Shi in a secret location and they are safe, and enrolled in Raelin’s therapy class, and we are hoping the best for them.

I think we did the right thing, don’t you?