Viper Assualt

[Mikestir]

The night's warm breezy air touch the thin mucus like skin of a marro warrior as it made its rounds on the capital city's southern wall. The sounds of the plains beyound the stone wall told the story of the harsh life outside the walls protection.
As the warrior stop at its secound check point getting a status of secure it began its long walk on the main battlements. The plasma rifle in the warrior's hands was cool too touch, but soon would be needed. The sudden smell of swamp sent the alert chills that things were not secure. The smell of swamp ment only one thing and one thing only: Vipers.A flash of gleeming claws signed that the walls were breached.
The flash and sudden bang of plasma bolts told the secound check point that something was amiss. Before the signal could be sent the flash of teeth was the last sight of warrior unit 13.

I know there are alot of World for Marr fans and I'm not replacing it. I don't have alot of figres so I'm going to write my story. All I would like to know is some tips and your jugdement on my writeing. Thanks for the Help and comments!

[D-Dyzzle]

i feel so inspirational. nice intro. dont make your story too good though, might steel my fans.

[Mikestir]

Alright thanks, besides why would I steal fans from my favorite Battle For Marr? It's not going to be me!

[D-Dyzzle]

:D im flatered.

[Mikestir]

There are something I made so I could write so here they are:
Most of my story takes place on the boarders of the city. Civilian life is rarely included so that arena is alittle dry.
Cores are like bullets on Marr, I would probly put the name in front of the core to identifie it. Example; Rifle core, pistol core, etc.
there is diffrent milatary branches, like Gernaders, Snipers , Commando's, Some other stuff like that too.
Well I will write the next part here.

The night that once was silent and still is now in utter chaos. Weapon fire can be herd all the way to the city. The Vipers frist assualt was succesfuly captered the frist line of defense: The Outermost wall.
Marro Scout :" Sir ,the vipers are being termnated as we speak."

? : " Good. Now how did this come to be? How did they hide there filthey numbers?"

Scout: " Their reptile like resemblce alow them to reproduce in large numbers, grow fast,. Our guess is that the hidden away the major faction of females, this insured their survivilel."
A Scout of bigger size, looking more war torn then most warriors. Its skin althogh ugly to began with was scarred. These scares ouccured most often around the frail looking chest of the being. Some fresh wounds were present on the arms.The message was of more importance, the drone therefor moved aside with a nod and then a cruked bow.

New Scout" Sire the Vipers numbers prove to be bearing our assualts. The Field commander therefor request reiforcements. "

?: "So be it....send them in." The scout marched out with speed for the battle being fought was slowly being brought closer and closer.

? : "My patience grows thin..."
The Drone Scout was now more edage then ever. With out protreying a sense on unease it moved closer to the mystery marro.
D.Scout: "Sire we are trying.." the words nevercame out for the cruchching of the drone's head had spooked the rest of the drones.

? :" This will teach you not to fail me."Came the isane voice in the minds of the high cancil members. The suddering of the minds traped told this mystery person that its purpose was understud.

? : " Soon I will be free at last.... Soon." and with a insane laugh the mind links were severed.

[deathsaurx]

Nice start! Darn, its a bit similiar to my soon-to-be entry for the fan-fic contest....A bit of constructive criticism

. Description was much better than some of the stuff here! Add some more and it will gain a lot more potential.

. Grammar, Grammar, Grammar

. Spelling, Spelling........Spelling

The latter two can be fixed by Microsoft Word but for the first one, your on your own. :wink:

Nice job!

600TH POST!!!! :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing:....Sorry

[Mikestir]

The hum of the enigine broght Mi-Ke-Sa back to the present. The clicks and cocks of weapons loading reminded him of the mission. Elimate all viper threat, pursue intel this supposed nest is found. To him It was a load of bull, he was here to destory the venoc vipers for once and fo all. For him it was personal.

Mi-Ke-Sa looked over his teammates. Most of the wore the fasmous armor of the Commandos. The gleiming dark armor put bravery in even the most ***** of marro. The signature fast rate Plasma pistoles hung at most of their sides.

His dark eyes drifted for a time to his own armor. The gleim was absent due to the lack of attention, it seems that the battle scars also could be seen domanating. In his world their was only one thing that mattered: reverge. His mind once again drifted to the thoghts of his family... but the sound of gunfire ,screams and some sort of clawing was the only thing to come to mind.

The engine thursters became quiet. All things went blank, the cocking of plasma pistoles, cursing what ever god they worshipped.

The wide flat door slowly at opened. The screecing at frist was suppose to be the door, it was instead the endless supply of vipers, mouths gapped wide to rivel the rows of teeth.

The slow motion of the frist viper folding back mouth wide ready to strike was quickly ended with a shot from somewhere behind the ship. The stone was painted a green and redish mixture. As the squad of commandos moved into the chaotic battle field, all thoght was lost as if mechanicaly the whole squad moved foward and unloaded the deadly pistoles into the flood of vipers.

Mi-Ke-sa moved with the group fireing. As if something in his mind told him moved to his left, to where he could get a height advantage. As he gain height, he shot down several vipers in the process. Reaching the top he relized that their was competion on the hill. He looked to see two vipers, one much more bulky then the other. The blank but deadly stare from the skinner one told him death was its intention.

It struck with lightnig speed, its fangs imbeded in the armor he wore. Due to the lack of its condition the tips pentrated and enbeded in his left sholder. The bigger viper saw the weak moment and moved in for the killer blow.
Mi-Ke-Sa broght on of his pistole into the gut of the frist viper. As rounds penatrated the scaly hide, holes could be seen magiclly apearing in it's back. Green blood shot into the air and began to desend again, landing on the combatants.
With a muffled yell Mi-Ke-Sa shoved the frist viper off to have the secound take it's place.

By the time frist viper hit the ground the new battle was over as well. When the bigger viper came at Mi-Ke-Sa, Mi-Ke-Sa took the eage of his pistole and smaked the viper's scrawny muzzle. The small yelp ment that he hit the a sensitve place. With his right pistole he pulled the trigge, the sound of the frist core ejected was the sigh that it was at the end. The green, body fell back completly headless. The bullets cut the toppart of the head off while with his left arm he removed the bottom half. The Large , deep sceerch sounded the retreat for the vipers. The city was safe.... ..for now...

There are speling errors so please pay no mind.
Any comments?
I'm trying to upload some drawings I did for the Commando's.

Til next rd.

[Mikestir]

The night was deathly still. An uneasy silence walked hand in hand with the smell of swamp and rotten corpse. A commando sqaud was being dispached during the warm but dark night. The Commando group itself was down to six members, the rest was made up of Warriors and smaller and less harmful drones.

Amoung the group was Mi-Ke-sa, who had minor wounds compared to some of his teamates. Most of the wall battle casulties was were from commando and drone classes. The battle on top of the wall w costed alot of squad's lives, therefor a small group was sent out to follow the vipers, and warn of possible attack.

This small force total number was 36. Mostly madeup of warriors becuase of the wall battle outcome. Each commando controlled a squad of their own. Three warriors and two drones each. In the case that a amubush should ouccur a warning could be sent at a last minute.

Mi-ke-sa marched with his squad for inspection.The clatter of weapons echoed threw the dark chamber, only adding to the tension, as the head commando moved from squad to squad inspecting weapons, food stores and other unknown things that only it can see.

As the commander turned, the face began to become visable. A long scar claimed over half its face. It's one good eye moved from marro to marro peering, as if into their very souls. Then eyes settled on Mi-ke-sa. Chills went down his spine, although their was no cold draft in this dark and gloome room. These were not cold chills but rather goosebumbs that signaled somethiing was wacthing you. No, not wacthing,
preying on you.

With a signel, The Commader moved out,the rest followed his example. The Group moved threw a sereis of halls, hearing their footsteps on the rough stone floors. Finally they emerge into a grand courtyard the starrie sky greeted them but somehow unfreindly. The rotten foul air hint Mi-Ke-sa's lungs, The smell forced him to gag. The smell did nothnig to effect the leader of this group, it walk on with no sigh of reponse.
As the group moved into formation the large stone doors began to move aside, but not without the cruching sound of the rock gears strianing to move.
The stone floor was replaced with a the soiled earth. Everystep became softer and softer. intel the sound of the closing gates faded into the hastily night.

[deadeyedan42]

Nice start! Darn, its a bit similiar to my soon-to-be entry for the fan-fic contest....A bit of constructive criticism

. Description was much better than some of the stuff here! Add some more and it will gain a lot more potential.

. Grammar, Grammar, Grammar

. Spelling, Spelling........Spelling

The latter two can be fixed by Microsoft Word but for the first one, your on your own. :wink:

Nice job!

600TH POST!!!! :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing:....Sorry


when is it starting? :shock: and nice work Mikster!

[johnny139]

Nice start! Darn, its a bit similiar to my soon-to-be entry for the fan-fic contest....A bit of constructive criticism

. Description was much better than some of the stuff here! Add some more and it will gain a lot more potential.

. Grammar, Grammar, Grammar

. Spelling, Spelling........Spelling

The latter two can be fixed by Microsoft Word but for the first one, your on your own. :wink:

Nice job!

600TH POST!!!! :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing: :fencing:....Sorry

Off topic, but...

NEW MEGAZORD AVATAR!!! Regardless of whether or not it's a Megazord, I'm still calling it that.

[Mikestir]

what the?..... Now I'm confused... and when is the fan fic contest?